How long am I supposed to stare at it, anyway?

I was inspired by my friend Evie to write a blog about art.  I pumped out about 500 words...then deleted it.  I had Lewis Black in my ear, and he inspired me to write funny stuff.

Sorry, Evie.

Some thoughts for today...

When you meet someone, most often there will be a handshake and a "nice to meet you".  How can you tell?  Maybe we should say just "meet you", or "we'll see how this goes, ok?"  No need to commit right there...some of the people are not going to make the cut, you dig?

Don't ask me if I have an email address.  I do.  You know how you can tell?  Because my daughter's hermit crab has one.  Every man, woman and child has an email address.  You can ask me if I have a pancreas, but the email you can assume.

If you're out walking for "excercise", and you're doing it at a pace that allows you to drink coffee, text message, play Haydn's Cello Concerto in D, do your taxes and crochet a full scale model of Stonehenge at the same time...YOU'RE NOT EXERCISING YOU DOPE!

If the cough drop you're sucking on tastes like crap, it's working.  If it's tasty, you might as well have taken a life saver.  If they could have made Halls' taste good, they would have.  The stuff that makes Halls' taste like furniture polish IS the stuff that soothes.  Deal with it.

They put lemon juice in bleach.  Does this send a troubling message...especially to Marilyn Quayle?

Whatever happened to Juice Newton?  Sure...go ahead and laugh - but you're going to Google it; we both KNOW you are.

There are no (read ZERO) openly gay men in the NFL.  Heh, heh, heh.  Ok, macho dudes.  Let's do some math.  The most conservative (interesting use of that word) estimate pegs the US male population at 2-3% gay.  There are 1696 active players in the NFL.  Add practice squads, coaches, etc. and you're at just over 2000.  2% would be 40 people.  That's more than 1 per team.  Land of the free?  Yeah, right.

I remember when MTV had music on it.

Have you ever stared directly into a light bulb and wondered when the dot in front of you was going to go away?

Now for some Microwave oven reminders in the name of world peace:

1)  Why would you put that food in for 3 minutes, only to press the "stop" button with 4 seconds left?  Was there some psychic bond you had with that frozen pizza that told you the box was only 99.2% correct?
2)  Who the hell knows how many watts the oven is?  What do I look like, Stephen Hawking?
3)  Are you so lazy that your food only cooked for the following intervals: 1:11, 2:22,3:33,4:44...I know I am.  You want me to move my finger ALL THE WAY from the 1 to the 3 and THEN to the ZERO!  Are you nuts?
4)  Excuse me, sir...but since you decided to put that tomato consomme in until Washington, D.C. elects a Republican Mayor, would you mind cleaning the inside of the Texas Chainsaw Massacre you just left behind for me?
5)  I'm sure you have a very good technique for microwaving beef...just don't serve it to humans
6) Don't microwave leaves.  Trust me on this.  If you doubt it so much that you HAVE to try it, I suggest having some Yankee Candles (the 30 hr. kind) around for afterward, or your kitchen will smell like Kazakhstan.

If you were George Clooney, you wouldn't get married, either.

What to do with all these VHS tapes....

I watched the video of Paul McCartney's initial reaction to the news of John Lennon's death.  I'm not saying they were distant, but Sir Paul looked like he was the one that did it.

I hope we're ready to watch a Chinese person walk on the moon.  They'll be there very soon.  Judging from the way the US reacts at the Olympics, it's not going to be a pretty sight 'round these parts.  What are we going to say..."at least we still have CSI!"  Yeesh.

Wouldn't it be cool if you were allowed to take the cell phone away from the cashier you're waiting for, and sell it on ebay?

I don't think Ashton Kutcher has any interest in winning an Oscar, do you?

They have pull strings in all the trunks of new cars these days, just in case you get locked in there.  Ummm...how the hell would you know where it was?  In a dark trunk, I might be tugging on my shoelace all the way to the evil hideout of Dr. No.

"Please hold...your call is very important to us"  Wow, if the "very important" calls get placed on hold, what do you do with the ones you don't really care about?

There must be something useful to do with avocado pits, old computer monitors, the plastic air cushions they pack stuff in, and David Letterman.

They sell some stuff at the 24 hour Quick Mart that I just don't see getting bought.  Car Wax?  At 3am?  Nah.

Have you ever sat down on a toilet seat, and discovered it was NOT the seat, but the toilet?  You immediately get the urge to molt.

There are more gun homicides in the USA than the entire rest of the world COMBINED.  Um, wow.

You stand a better chance of being elected to the US Senate than shot in Japan.

Yes, I know what they do to veal.  It's about as cool as what they do to whatever it is that you're eating.  What do you think they do to chickens...wine them and dine them, take them for a canoe ride with a parasol, and eat truffles?

That cool black stuff you just put on your driveway just makes it darker...it doesn't really help anything...but it is nice.

What if the President of Iran announced they had nuclear missiles, and showed one on TV being test launched 1000 miles?  DO you know how many countries DO have them?  Hint: It's more than you think.

Peas,

J