Halloween - Tricks, Treats...and a few thoughts.

1. Children's costumes should NOT be sold with fishnet stockings.  What the hell is that, anyway?  Why do I need to see an eight year old with a sweet little witch costume wearing legwear that is on loan from the wardrobe trunk of a Pamela Anderson "Barb-Wire" remake?  Kids costumes should look like they were meant for, um...KIDS.
2. If I have to ask you what you costume is - then it's a BAD costume.  If you're wearing an orange shirt with black sweatpants and tell me you're a ketchup bottle...NO CANDY.  So, that leotard and eye liner on your cheeks makes you a cat?  Um, no - it doesn't.  If that's the case, then I'm going to get some masking tape, put it on my chest and write the word "Superman" on it.  There's nothing more ridiculous then asking a kid "oh, are you Iron Man?  And the young man answers "no, I'm Super Mario".
3. Goelitz Confectionary invented Candy Corn.  They should be as famous as Ben Franklin, y'ask me.  The first candy corn you eat is pure heaven...the tenth is excellent....by #20 you're looking forward to Thanksgiving.  Same goes for circus peanuts, jawbreakers, salt water taffy and gumballs.
4. Every parent feels compelled to joke with the other parents during trick-or-treat time about their kids' "sugar high".  I'm no nutritionist, but these loose lipped whackjobs think that as soon as their little cherub (as evidenced by he T-shirt which reads "cherub") ingests one lollipop, they're going to climb the Empire State Building with a blonde in their grasp.  Throttle back, folks - it takes a wee bit more than that to excuse the behavior of your little ADHD prodigy.  Besides, what's the excuse theother 364 days of the year?
5. There should be a law requiring people to give out only the "good candy".  Smarties are NOT what I walked all the way up your driveway for.  I didn't hump my keester down to the end of your culda sac for a Brachs star mint.  I want chocolate bars.  100 Grand, Hershey's, you can decide - but don't hand me circus peanuts and expect to get away with it.
6. I'm all for Global Warming/Climate Change, but it seems to me that my childhood was filled with Halloweens that didn't require 6 layers, a fur lined hood, Gore-Tex footies, Wind burn ointment, a Sherpa, those pocket things that heat to 679 degrees Kelvin when you take them out of the package, wool socks, 13 sled dogs and a three stage wind resistant jack-o-lantern.  What's with the cold?
7. Spider man did not wear sneakers.  Neither did Aurora, Superman or Harry Potter.  Please wear the appropriate footwear.  If I see one more teen age girl come to my door wearing pigtails, a skirt, and Uggs - and telling me she's a cheerleader...I'm shutting the candy faucet off.
8. Pretty simple, kidlets...if you say please, you get candy. If you don't - you've walked up my driveway for nothing.  I can't do much about the Thank You part, but the please is mandatory.  Oh, and one more thing parental units...Please continue the fine tradition you have of not educating your kids by letting them traipse across my lawn.  Geez...
9. Most schools have canceled any organized Halloween celebrations due to offending people.  They have replaced these with "Fall Festivals".  I think these events should be boycotted by every single living being in the school.
10. BUT SERIOUSLY - In the end, Halloween is one of those few last remaining days where kids get to be kids and just have fun without parochial rituals, studying, staging, practicing, reciting, or competing.  can't we just leave it alone?  Simple costumes, see the neighbors, eat some candy.  What does everything in the United Lawyers of America country we've become have to turn into a holy war?  Sugar, fatty candy, fun...can we at leas leave this one day alone?  There will be plenty of tricking next week on Election Day; can't we all just enjoy the treat?
11. Be safe, live well, pass it on...see you next time!