I remember "typing" class in middle school (Mrs. Brass - who was so stiff she made Stephen Colbert look like George Clinton). By the end of Freshman year it had morphed into "keyboarding". As graduation rolled around, we were required to take "data processing". Data processing sounded more like something that required being 170 feet under the pentagon in a steel reinforced concrete bunker with a never ending supply of lunchables, fluorescent lighting, and Judy Blume books.
These days, 6 year-olds are coming home asking for a copy of Red Hat to supplement their Tungsten Operating system for OpenSource Data Transfer solutions. My children use iPods with the ease I normally associate with a yo-yo.
Now that every man, woman and child is fully integrate into the "speak a lot, say a little" culture, we do need to discuss some proper protocol(s) where cyberspace is concerned. I'm speaking specifically about email and social networking.
And away we go!
Friending People - If you make a friend request to someone, the best thing to do is forget about it for a minimum of 7 days before you start asking close friends (you know, the real world kind you used to have) if you should send a message, get some counseling, or (at the very least) GET OFF THE LEDGE! Maybe Suzy Terhune (who sat next to you in 3rd grade Auto Shop) has been on a mission to recycle Saab bumpers and turn them into PEZ dispensers for Moldavan refugees - and won't be back for a few days to accept.
Status Updates - If you're so self absorbed and starved for attention that you need to pose open ended questions in a vain, ham-handed, co-dependent effort to get people to ask "is everything ok?" or "what's wrong?", then you need some counseling. Not the run o' the mill 50 minute pre-authorized by your insurance easy bake version; the kind you need to go to Vienna to receive from a team of people who look like they moonlight as driving school instructors. So please, no status updates like this one: "I'm going to have a hard time dealing with this..." or "Can't believe what just happened".
Facebook Jihad - Ok, look...I understand you want be be topical, strong willed, expressive and passionate about your beliefs. Heck, I even agree with you about Vladmir Putin replacing Simon Cowell on American Idol. Please realize when you spill your fury about abortion, religion, gay marriage or steroids...you run the risk of making yourself look like a fool. Your opinion doesn't make you look this way - it's your expectation that the world's problems can be solved (along with converting the ignorant masses to see your obviously superior logic) in a facebook thread that lasts about 67 characters between people you A) Don't know or B) Haven't seen in 23 years.
The Friends, they are a changin' - WARNING...the friends you had in grade school ARE NOT the same folks. The kid who ate gum off the bottom of the lunch table for a nickel is now an investment banker. The girl you played spin the bottle with has not borne the years so well. The captain of the rugby side looks more like Zach Galifanakis then Zac Efron these days. The flip side of this (maybe the SCARY flip side) is the people who haven't changed at all. Remember the guy in your fraternity that seemed to never go to class? These days, he never goes to work. He is lazier than you brother-in-law that thinks nothing of coming to Thanksgiving, grabbing the remote 4 seconds after blowing past you at the door, plopping his perma-pillows on the sofa, waiting for his wife to bring his plate, and not getting up until he blows you off on the way out the door. Your tolerance for people might be a wee spot lower, than the number of people on your friend list.
"Reply to All" - You know these people; They ones that get an email with a distribution list longer than the trick-or-treat line at the Wonka family's front door. They get the email about the time of the company holiday arty (and they work for small outfits like GM or Wal*Mart), and "Reply to All" with some crucial like "cool" or "I'll be there". These people are more oblivious than a cross dressing drag queen at a Sean Hannity rally. This is the equivalent of the critical Facebook error of responding to a Status Update from a friend who is more popular than Tiger Woods at a Denny's staff meeting.
Corporate Obstanance - Don't you LOVE LOVE LOVE when you get an email from a company that clearly states (usually in more places than Bill and Monica) "DO NOT REPLY TO THIS EMAIL". What the hell is that all about? You send ME info, but I may not rise up from my sub-human position (otherwise known as THE CUSTOMER) to ask a question? Who am I, Oliver Twist? I also like this nugget "Email box not checked, do not reply". It's the cyber version of "This is not a bill" or "this page left intentionally blank".
Pets - Pictures of your pets really don't mean as much to people you haven't seen since you were eating glue together as you might imagine. Kids, fine. Pets...not so much.
Email Wimps - If you can't assert yourself in person, doing so in an email won't make you look like anything but a yutz. A big, soft, mushy loser. If you manage people and communicate with them IN PLACE OF face-to-face interaction because you lack ANY FORM OF SELF CONFIDENCE - you have more problems than the caretaker at Michael Vick's Kennel.
